For the love of running

Just two years ago I would have told you I hated running. It’s funny how much has changed in those two years. Now I love running. Sometimes you don’t realize how much you love something until it’s taken away. I’ve run about 15 miles in the last 3 weeks since my half marathon. This past week was less than 2 miles. I miss running. My training feels so incomplete without it. I feel incomplete. And nothing is more frustrating than when you want to throw on your running shoes to work out some frustration but you can’t. So instead I turn to chocolate and here I am 3 weeks and 5lbs heavier and losing my mind.

I had pain in two spots of my lower leg, inside and outside. I’d noticed some really tight spots on the outside of my whole leg and was working to roll them out without much success. After seeing my PT again, he confirmed those spots were very tight and needled the crap out of them. After limping out of the office I was hopeful that would help and it did. The outside of my leg is feeling much better. The inside though… it’s not getting better at all. In fact I think it’s getting worse. Maybe it’s in my head, I don’t know. It hurts when I run, when I bike, when I’m kicking or pushing off the walls swimming. It even hurts walking, standing, or just sitting around. The pain isn’t bad. It’s very manageable. I’ve dealt with and even trained with worse pain. This feels different though and I’m afraid its bone related, not soft tissue. I’ve had several soft tissue injuries and I’ve had foot bones sawed in half so I’m somewhat familiar with the difference in the pains.

I’ve gone from “wellll I’m not REALLY 100% but I am feeling decent so maybe I can run?” to now having lost any hope of being able to run. I look at my schedule and assume I won’t be able to do any of the running and just wait for the boxes to turn red. My fears have also spiraled out of control. I went from “I won’t be in decent running shape without doing long or hard runs” to “what if I show up at the race having barely run the last month” to “I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be able to run the race”.

I’m trying not to assume the worst but my brain can’t stop going there. I’m so afraid I have a stress fracture or am on the verge of one and will be told not to run for weeks. Worse, I’m afraid I’ll be told I can’t do anything that puts pressure on my leg which is pretty much everything because everything hurts it right now. I wish I could say I’m trying to stay positive but I’m beyond thinking positive thoughts. I’m sure I’m overreacting but that’s where I’m at right now. Trust me, I hope I am overreacting. Right now I simply want the answer so I can figure out how to move forward. I have an appointment with an orthopedist today so we shall see.