Two steps forward, one step back

I didn’t intentionally step away from this blog, I somehow forgot. I’d been so busy trying to keep myself busy that I forgot the benefits of telling my story. So here’s a poorly condensed version with a massive photo dump at the end of Hawaii.

In August, I went to Hawaii with my husband’s family. It was another amazing vacation and I will always say how grateful I have been for this year of traveling and doing and seeing incredible things. We spend a few days in Oahu where we got to see Pearl Harbor, do a little hiking and learn to surf. I was told I was a natural and should move to the ocean. Sadly, that will not happen. Then we went on a cruise that stopped at Maui, the Big Island (two stops), Kauai and back to Oahu. Similar to New Zealand, I tried to pack in as much adventure as I could with the time we had on the islands. There was lots of water fun with waterfall repelling, visiting waterfalls, kayaking, paddle boarding (first time as well), snorkeling and some relaxing beach time. Bill and I hiked the Waihe’e Ridge Trail which involved me slipping on the steep mud and falling on my previously hurt hip and knee. We hiked to the Koko Crater Arch before turning around because my legs were shaking and my heart was going to explode out of fear of falling on the very steep arch. We got to hike on volcanic rock. We woke up at 2AM to drive on top of a crater above the clouds and watch the sunrise. I have never seen so many stars in my life and it was truly a spectacular sight. Then we “rode” rust bucket, fixed gear, 40 lb (not joking) bikes down the crate switch backs. It seriously pained me not to be on my bike and to not have done the work of climbing it first. One day. So as I said, a great vacation.

During the trip I did pretty much no training since I didn’t have a bike and somehow had little time to do open water swimming. It was decided I’d use the time to take a break from running to see if that would alleviate the pain I’d been dealing with in my knee. I was active enough with everything else going on that I was honestly ok with no training, even with the 10 lbs of food I ate every day. I came home with a cold I caught from Bill and a knee that mostly still hurt. I got back to minimal running, enough so I would be able to survive another sprint.

In September, I went with friends to visit other friends in Wilmington NC and to race the YMCA Wrightsville Beach Sprint. They had relay teams set up and I decided to do the race by myself. My only secret goal was to have a faster time than they relay team. That meant my swim and bike times had to be fast enough to make up for slower transitions and a slow run. I ended up having a faster swim, bike AND run time but my transitions were so slow that it was enough to make my overall time about 1.5 minutes slower than the relay team. Clearly, still need to improve on transitions. I knew going into the race that afterwards I would take a break from running for a bit because the knee pain was not improving at all.

The next weekend, I went to Boulder on a very last-minute trip to spend time with Katie and see her “magic” physical therapist in hopes I could figure this all out. I started out the trip with a beer mile. For those who don’t know (myself includes when I agreed to do this), a beer mile consists of drinking a 12oz, 5+% beer, running one lap and repeating 3 more times for a total of 4 beers over 1 mile. If you throw up, you run a penalty lap. I threw up in a way I have never experienced or care to never do again while drinking beer 4, then had to finish it. That was the last time I ran, in September. The PT was good. She looked at my whole history including surgeries before my triathlon days and previous injuries. She looked at my walk and run and how I stood and did lots of things to my body including going places a PT normally doesn’t go to adjust my tailbone (I was told stories of how much weirder it could have been). I walked away with exercises/stretches, told I had to work on a more neutral posture and told I couldn’t run again until I had orthotics. As an engineer, I really like the mechanical aspect of how your body pieces together intricately to move. How one failing piece can have a chain reaction of problems up or downstream. I can understand how a problem with pronating ankles can cause knee and hip issues and therefore, hoping orthotics might help.

Someone said to me, if PT and time off from running hasn’t helped, maybe it’s time to try something else. When I came back from Boulder, a lightbulb went off in my head. I dug through all my training notes and was very disappointed in what I found. From the VERY FIRST run back after the NZ crash, I made note of knee pain. I was so focused on my hip that I brushed it aside thinking it was just because I had been away from running for so long and it would work itself out. But it didn’t. I let it get worse. Katie kept asking if I was sure it was ok to keep running based on what I felt and I said yes. After this I had a few days of being really pissed at myself, that I let it get to this point, that I kept trying to force myself to be ok with running even though my body wasn’t ready yet.

I finally made an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon. He said I have chondromalacia patella/patellofemoral pain syndrome. Essentially the cartilage under my knee cap is shot from my knee cap not tracking properly and rubbing in the wrong places. Was told this will most likely be a lifelong problem of having to be diligent with strength and mobility work. Not the first time an orthopedist has told me I’d most likely deal with some level of pain in my knee for my entire life. Walked away with a prescription for PT and orthotics and told it would be a slow road back.

After a few days of being upset, I became hopeful again. I occasionally debate about races for next year, hoping I’ll be fully back to running by then. Bill puts up with my constant bickering of “I WANT TO RUN” and “I’M MISSING THE BEST RUNNING WEATHER!”. I’ve learned to be patient with the healing process AGAIN. In the meanwhile, I have been able to enjoy some of the best riding weather. I’ve made really good progress on the swim and am stronger now than I’ve ever been. My strength on the bike is slowly coming back. I’ve had some setbacks because I keep getting sick (and breaking out) between stress from various things and temperature swings and who knows that else. It’s been more time on the couch that I would have liked. On the other hand, maybe that extra couch time has helped me knee pain subside faster.

I’ve kept myself busy on weekends, distracting myself. I’ve enjoyed the fall festivities like pumpkin picking, corn maze and haunted attractions. I’ve filled my belly with Fall for Greenville, a cider festival and a winery. I’ve spent time with friends and the hubby at a renaissance festival, football tailgating and seeing Les Miserables. By taking something away, I’ve had the time and energy to enjoy life in other ways. And I’m good with that.

Going through some lows always makes the highs that much better. The best high I’ve had in the last several weeks… being given the green light yesterday to try a test run! Finger crossed!!

And now a bunch of pictures as promised in no real order...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Greenville Sprint Triathlon

While returning to training, I was constantly looking at races. I still am. I had no idea when I would be able to race again but I wanted to know what my options might be. I had one rule: I could not make any decisions until I could run 3 straight miles. Technically, I have not met this goal. I’ve run over 3 miles but it included walking breaks and since those few runs I’ve had to take a step back. Still, I could not shake the itch to race even if it meant going easy. 3 years ago, I did the Greenville Sprint Triathlon 3 week after my first “super” sprint triathlon. That marked the beginning of getting into this crazy sport. I thought it would be the perfect race as a welcome back to the world of triathlons. My goal for this race was to have fun and to PR. Even though my run is almost nonexistent, and my ride is still coming back, it was well within my current fitness level to crush my previous time.

The third goal, was to not cry before, during or immediately after the race. You see, this race happened to be the same day as my mom passed away 2 years ago. I could think of no better way to mentally get through the day than being surrounded by likeminded crazy triathletes awake well before the sun comes up and wearing pajamas over spandex, while swimming my heart out, hammering on the bike and going for a little jog.

Race plan of attack: swim HARD, ride HARD, run not hard.

My first reaction to a pool swim in a race is: I hate other swimmers. You get stuck behind people and it’s difficult to pass. I realized though that I am a good pool swimmer. I have a lot of room for improvement in open water but pool swimming I can do. Plus, this was a 50m pool which is a rarity to swim in. I went out hard and got competitive. I wanted to pass as many people as possible which proved to be difficult at times because there wasn’t enough space or time to pass before the wall. It meant my swim effort wasn’t steady but I’m used to varying my intensity while swimming so I was in my comfort zone. I didn’t think my time was anything spectacular but I passed several people, never got passed and put my best effort forward start to finish for a whooping 400m. After seeing my female ranking, I’m very happy with how I did. I honestly don’t understand how I ranked so high.

Swim: 6:59, 5/82

I did a power test on my bike recently and just like after every other test, I complained I felt I could have gone harder. Therefore, I didn’t want those numbers to hold me back. I wanted to unleash my legs in whatever state they were currently in and see how fast I could fly. This was also my first race on my sweet new racing wheels which I was super excited to test out. I had a minimum power number in the back of my head but beyond that it was unknown how hard I would go other than… well really hard.

Like the swim, I started out riding competitively. I tried to pass people without being a jackass that would blow up 10 minutes later. Then I spent chunks of time being alone. For the most part I passed people. I think I got passed by a few guys? I kept my head down and I hammered it as long as I could. My power was only a few watts lower than my power test but for twice the time. I think that confirms I could have tested higher. 9/82 female for the bike split so very happy with that as well.

Bike: 43:34 9/82

Towards the end of the ride I was a little afraid I’d fall off my bike while getting off. My legs were fried. The peppiness I had to run with my bike out of T1 was all gone so I happily walked my bike in for T2. I recently dusted off the cobwebs on my circa 2010 post surgery knee brace which has helped my knee pain a bit while running. I took the time to put that on because at this point, the clock didn’t matter much anymore. Then I started my happy little jog out of T2 where I made sure to keep my pace in check. I ran with a heartrate cap and I was happy to even do that as it was faster than I’ve run the last several months. Even with my slow pace, this was the fastest and longest straight run without walks I’ve done since before IMNZ. That’s not saying much since it wasn’t even a full 5K but I’ll take what I can get. It felt like the whole world was sprinting past me but I was in my happy little bubble trotting along. I’m sure all the people I passed on the bike were laughing at me assuming I rode to hard. I didn’t care. A girl I knew in my age group passed me. I didn’t care.

Anyone who races knows that feeling towards the end of a race where you think “this is so stupid, why do I do this, I’m never doing a race again!”. I had the exact opposite reaction. I was so happy to be out there again racing. It might not have been “racing” per say at that moment, but I was out there. I was plotting out in my head all the races I wanted to immediately go home and sign up for. I thought about my mom but in a happy way, not reliving that day 2 years ago. I was happy. I can sit here and laugh at my run split ranking. I’m not even frustrated that I lost first place by only 21 seconds which I had in me. I executed my race plan perfectly!

Run: 29:20 50/82

Overall 1:22:13, 17/82 overall female, 2/7 AG

This race was exactly what I needed. To remind myself of why I love this sport so much. To remember why it’s worth fighting for it. To give myself a distraction from the bad memories that August 13^th hold for me. Sure, I went home and had a few crying breakdowns but this helped offset it. I haven’t signed up for any of those races yet because I’m still waiting for my run to progress. Hopefully it will get there soon. 

The birthday that keeps on giving

I’m not one for big birthday celebrations. I don’t do big parties or lots of presents. I DO eat chocolate and for the last few years incorporate some fun birthday training.

Bill and I have a general policy that we don’t have to get presents for each other. Occasionally we’ll get something for each other or buy something for ourselves and say that counts as a birthday present. This year I got the best present surprise…race wheels! I LOVE them!! Ever since New Zealand, he’d been secretly saving money to buy me wheels he picked with the help of Katie. It was an amazing surprise and every time I pass by them I smile. Can’t wait to test these bad boys out!

After spending literally all day debating between going to a healthy restaurant or my usual Melting Pot, I broke down and went with the later. After all, I had to celebrate getting race wheels! As always, it was so worth it!

I asked for a birthday swim again which I did Saturday. This year wasn’t as crazy, 29x150. In included a good chunk of swimming with only a band which I have to say I finally am 100% ok doing. It included all the strokes including fly which I am NOT 100% ok doing. I am admittedly not very good at fly. Ok I’m horrible at it. I do it maybe half a dozen times a year and I’m happy to make it to the other wall while wearing fins. Although it wasn’t a very long swim it had enough variety to keep it challenging at times.

I decided since it was 29 sets for my 29^th birthday, that I would spend each set reflecting on that year of my life. How often do you really think about those random years of your life where nothing significant happened? I have no memories for the first several years so it was mostly thinking of my family in general and acknowledging that I was fortunate for the family I was born into. There were many good childhood years. Teenage years of laughing at how it felt like the end of the world but it was only high school drama. Years of making stupid decisions. Years of making good and sometimes challenging decisions. Years of marriage where I swear all we did was renovate our house. Lots of happy memories. That was my biggest take away. When I look back I primarily see the happy memories. No matter how down in the ditch I felt during phases of my life, I always pulled myself out and stood a little taller. In general, my life has been good. 

I decided last minute to throw an informal birthday party/pool party/BBQ with some friends at my in-law’s house/pool. It was a good time with lots of yummy food and naturally cake where I was forced into being sung happy birthday to.

Sunday I got to do my birthday ride in the mountains. I haven’t ridden in the mountains since January when it was in the 20s. This time it was perfect weather in the 60s. I felt free climbing steady to Saluda and the bakery. Bill and a friend took his car out for a joy ride and met me at the bakery for a yummy treat before heading back down. My head has been a work in progress with not freaking out while descending, especially on bumpy roads. I’ve improved significantly but I’m not as fearless as I once was. Maybe I’ll never get back there. Still, I loved every minute of it, even white-knuckled-tensing-up minutes. I was so happy that my riding has progressed enough to allow me to do a climbing ride. It was short compared to what I’m used to doing but I’ll take what I can get!

That night we celebrated one last time at my in-law’s which naturally, included more chocolate cake. Overall, it was a fantastic birthday. Hopefully that’s the theme for my last year in my 20s!

29

Today I turn 29. I have this weird thing where I hate odd number so not thrilled to be back to an odd age… I’m very odd, I know. On my 28^th birthday, I posted about how it’s important to grow in more ways than just age. As I reflect on the last year, I feel I have grown. Growth often happens not in the joyful moments of life, but in the struggles. This year has certainly had both!

When looking at my last year from a bird’s eye view, it’s been a good year! I’ve been on several vacations including an amazing trip of a lifetime to New Zealand. I went on many adventures with amazing people. I got plenty of quality time with family. I have a very fortunate job situation. I have an amazing husband who supports all my crazy goals and desires. I got to push myself hard, mentally and physically, daily for many, many months. I became an Ironman. That is a statement you only get to make once and only if you work hard with a bit of luck. It was amazing, an experience I will never forget. Strangely, it’s hard for me to believe that was only last year. It feels like I crossed that finish line so long ago. True, things have not gone my way since then in the triathlon world but I’ve made my peace with that. It is in that space I feel have grown the most.

I’ve reflected on my life a lot over the last few months. What do I want it to look like, how do I want to spend my time, how do I want to live it? I don’t think many people often sit back and take a good look at their life and question what is the “right” path and if they are on the “right” path. There is no right path in life! But I don’t want to simply stumble through life in the dark hoping I don’t trip and accidently fall off a cliff. I want to grab life by the balls, take risks, stand on the edge of the cliff knowing I might fall or knowing it might mean greatness. I want to enjoy life’s little moments, strive for greatness, search for joy, surround myself with people I love. It’s important to surround yourself with good people, who care about you and are generally positive. I can feel when I’m around people who are often angry or sad how it pulls me down into their depths as well, reminding me of the bad in my life. Sometimes choosing the light can be difficult, but it is a choice.

This year has been full of choices. Some small and insignificant. Some life impacting. Some made by myself, for myself. Some made as a family. I’ve debated A LOT about races over the next year all while knowing these are decisions fall under “insignificant” in the greater realm of life. What happened with New Zealand took the fire out of me. I spent time being frustrated and then I focused on becoming healthy and building back a basic level of fitness. I knew thinking of racing would distract me from what was important, healing and being patient. I realized that although triathlon is very important to me and plays a huge part in my life, it is not my life. It is not what I am. It is something I do. I do this because it makes me happy and I will continue as long as it makes me happy. There’s a tiny little flame there to truly tackle a race again. I can’t tell if it will burn bright by tackling another Ironman trying to redeem what was taken away or focusing on a different goal. What I do know? It doesn’t matter right now. The time will come when I will be ready to set myself aflame and I will know what I want to do. In the meanwhile, I know what makes me happy is still training, growing and bettering myself where I can. Although I am still young, I am thankful for what my body will allow me to do because there are no guarantees in life that tomorrow it won’t be taken away. So thank you body for the last 28 years of mostly staying in one piece. I’ve had surgeries and injuries and setbacks but I’ve still accomplished amazing challenges with it… please be nice this next year!

Today I stand 29, a bit wiser and stronger than a year ago, and for that I am thankful along with so many other things. Cheers to another year!

5th Stage

5 stages to grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In many ways, I believe this same theory can be applied to athletes who are sent to the bench from an injury. Denial: I don’t feel pain. It’s nothing. It’s all in my head. I’m fine. It’s just a little niggle that will feel better tomorrow. Anger: How can this be happening! I’ve worked so hard to get where I am and now it’s being taken away from me. It was all for NOTHING! Bargaining: If I can just make it through this race, I promise I’ll take some time off to let my body heal! Depression: I feel lost and I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I have no identity when I can’t swim/bike/run. All I want to do is sit on the couch and eat ice cream and throw a pity party for myself. Acceptance: Ok this is where my body is at right now. I’ll be patient, let it heal and work hard to build it back up.

I recently went through a similar path from my bike crash in New Zealand. At first thought, I was convinced I skipped over denial. My first thought after I crashed besides is my face and bike ok, was I’m not going to be able to race. But if I look further down the timeline, the denial was there. Not about the race but about how injured I was once I returned home. It was only after being shoved in the direction of an MRI and hearing the results that it settled in. Even then I was determined to swim myself to death to maintain some level of fitness, not accepting the fact that swimming was clearly hurting me. Some of that was my bargaining. If I can’t ride and run, I’ll swim my brains out. Clearly, I was angry about everything. There were so many angry thoughts. There was also a level of eating-all-the-sugar-moping-on-the-couch depression. I didn’t hide it, I even talked about it hear. I hit my low point then. Shortly after though, I turned it around into acceptance.

It’s easy to look back and say I was overreacting but it’s hard in the moment not to be angry and upset. When you are literally told to move as little as possible, you are left with too much time to think. And eat. But finally, one day, the switch flipped in my head and I was totally ok with my situation (I’m still waiting for the switch to flip that makes me dedicated to losing weight). I stopped thinking negatively and started being happy for any teeny tiny “training” I could do. I used the time to spend more time with friends and read more. I finally read and watched Outlanders to see if this Jamie fella was a good as everyone kept saying.

I like to think I’ve been very, very patient with the process of rebuilding over the last few months. It has been slow. So very slow. And there is still such a long journey ahead of me. I’m super happy with the progress I’ve made though. I’m happy to report that all my injuries from the crash feel 100% better. That to me is HUGE! I’ve been dealing with some other pains but I expected other things to pop up as I got back into training. My swim volume is back to normal and the intensity is almost there. My rides are slowly bumping their way up in length. Still not long and mostly aerobic work but I’m happy as hell when I get to do a tiny bit of harder work. My run, as expected, it the slowest to progress. My first “run” was literally intervals of 30 seconds running and 2 minutes of walking. And let me tell you that’s a horrible ratio to stomach but I didn’t care because I was running! Now I’m at least at 2.5 minutes running and 30 seconds walking. Baby steps.

Beyond acceptance and patience, I’ve found simple happiness’s in what I’ve been able to do. During my first ride my power was in my old recovery range and my HR was around IM effort and I didn’t even care how out of shape I was. I was on my bike for the first time in a month!  I had never smiled so much while on the trainer soft pedaling along for 45 minutes. Not being able to train has certainly had its low moments but I see now some of the benefits. I found joy in the smaller things.

It’s taking time to get over the constant fear I’m going to flat and fly off my bike again. I’ve had many talks with my brain whenever I’d go downhill or on a bumpy road to CALM DOWN. I’ve made good progress though and I’ve spent many hours on the road feeling free. Recently I got to spend time at the beach with my family and that was the final bit of healing in my mind.

To me the beach is a happy place, a place for the mind and body to heal. Watching the sunrise every morning, digging my feet into the sand, swimming in the ocean while my husband-kayak-support tells me there are fins nearby, boogie boarding with my sisters, even having a wave kick me out of the kayak and then landing on top of me… it’s good for my soul. And so are Duck Donuts.

So yes, I’d say I’m at the 5^th stage and even beyond.