Saying Goodbye

Where has the time gone? These past two weeks are a blur. So much has seemed to happen and yet really only one thing happened. One major thing. On August 13^th my mom passed away. Four months after her diagnosis. It has been a long four months, but these two weeks have been the worst of all. I’ve been away from home, in VA taking care of my mom during her last week and in Utah saying goodbye.  

Coach Katie has been aware of everything since I started working with her and she’s been fantastic. She suggested I take a few days off from training but I can’t. Not because I’m concerned with my race coming up but because I need it. It’s a place where I can let it all go and maybe even find a little peace, even if only for an hour. There has been some crying during runs or rides (luckily not swims because that would result in inhaling water). Moving my body helps. I know all of this is wearing on me but I have no sense of how much it’s affecting my body. I know I feel exhausted all the time no matter how much sleep I get. I know I’ve gone back into emotional eating which includes lots and lots of desserts. Training is the one thing I’ve held onto in regards to taking care of myself. Hopefully the other pieces will start to fall back into place.

I read something comparing grief to waves. I found in very accurate. At first the waves are big and rough and you cannot surface from the storm. Over time the waves still come and sometimes come unexpectedly but they are smaller and more manageable. I’m not through the storm yet but I can see clearer skies ahead and need to fight my way to the calmer water. It will take time, I know this. It will take time for the shock to wear off and for the horrible truth to fully set in. My mom is gone.

My mom’s wishes were very clear on not wanting a funeral. One of her wishes was to have some of her ashes spread on Ben Lomond. I always told my mom I’d fulfill the wish by hiking to the summit even if it meant going by myself. And by myself I went.

 

On this mountain I found peace. A type of peace I cannot truly put into words but in washing over me in a way that made me both smile and cry at the same time. There were other events that followed, a shorter hike with a select group and a small gathering where her parents were buried. There was a lot more crying and plenty of laughter. Our family has a unique sense of humor and it helps ease the sadness. But the hike is where I truly said goodbye.

In the words of Whinnie the Pooh: If there ever comes a day when we can't be together keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever.

Ben Lomond was the perfect backdrop for the cemetary where the remaining ashes were spread. The hike started on the right side of the picture near the valley and ended at the peak on the left side.