Worth it

Last week I was having a hard time. It was one of those weeks where you feel completely overwhelmed. I’ve been making small changes in my life here and there all for the sake of trying to be better. Better about eating, better about sleeping, better about not watching TV and instead reading. And by no means am I sitting here announcing I am now a better person! Because I’m not. I’m just saying that I’m trying to make positive changes and TRYING really is the key word here.

All these small changes somehow seem to take up more time. You would think not watching as much TV would create more free time but I have no idea where that freed up time went. I am 100% serious when I say last Friday I created a list of how I was going to spend the whole weekend with times against it just to see if I’d have time for everything I needed to do. That’s right! A schedule for my weekend! Please insert eye rolls and head shakes of disbelief because I know I’m freaking crazy with a side of OCD. I did this because I can’t seem to get anything done. And of course I didn’t get everything done on that list.

A typical day goes like this… 4:25 wake up, go to gym for training #1, shower/get ready, go to work, go home for lunch to take care of dog and cook/eat, go back to work, leave work,  do training #2. At this point I have enough time to foam roll, shower again, cook, eat dinner, prep all my stuff for the next day, and maybe an hour to do whatever other crap I need to do (ie laundry, do dishes, clean, acknowledge my husband) before it’s time to get ready for bed and start it all over. The more time I cut out for cooking healthy meals, doing mobility work, getting enough sleep (all important things), the less time I have to get other stuff done or even relax. This might sound like bitching because well it sort of is, but that’s not the point.

I take full responsibility for how I spend my day. Each thing I do, I CHOOSE to do. I choose to train so many hours. I choose to feed my body healthy foods (most of the time). I choose to crawl into bed before 9 while friends are out. I do all of this because I know what I want at the end of the day and I get there by making these decisions. Weeks like this past one, it was hard to remember the why. All I could think about was how overwhelmed I was feeling like I was trying to stuff way too much into my to-do box and only half assing everything thing I checked off the list.

Then on Saturday I remembered why I did it all. I had an awesome PR on a 5K (separate post coming soon). Yes it was just a 5K and something I didn’t really care about, but it showed how much progress I’ve made in the last year. I got to ride my new tri bike for the first time (another separate post coming soon). I even took it outside because it was awesome winter riding weather. I was bursting at the seam with joy. The type of joy that had me singing while riding and smiling while stuck in traffic and not caring that I had to pee for 1.5 out of 2 hour on the bike and then realizing they removed the porta potties where I parked. That is the type of joy that cannot be taken away, that I created for myself. That is the type of joy that makes it all worth it. Every time I wanted to stay in bed, every time I wanted to curl up in a ball under my desk and cry, every time I wanted to quit during training because I thought “I can’t do this anymore”, it was worth it. It was so worth it.

I’m still struggling with that overwhelming feeling and I’m doing my best to figure it out. It’s good to have those amazing days to look back on and remember why I do it all. And it might seem crazy to deal with so much negative and only have the occasional amazing day but I don’t think so. Most days are not negative, there are plenty of ups and downs. And anyone who has kids can’t judge me because most parents will say 90% of the time kids suck and the 10% is what makes it worth it so on some level you understand. At least I have the choice to walk away. But there’s no way in hell I will because I love it. Love every second, good and bad.