Balance

Triathlon is a sport of balance. Balance of swim, bike, run. Balance of train, eat, sleep. Balance of work, train, personal life. Balance of mind, body, soul. Balance of family, friends and self. It’s difficult to find a perfect balance for any sport, especially one as demanding as triathlons. There is no such thing as a perfect formula for how to incorporate a heavy training schedule into your life. Unfortunately, training for an Ironman means making sacrifices. Those sacrifices not only affect your life, but the other people in your life. You have to really want it in order for it to all seem worthwhile.

I really want to be an Ironman. I don’t just want to cross the finish line, I want to finish the race as fast as possible. Will my time be “fast”? No. In the end my only real goal is to finish. However, the time will have meaning to me and the time and work I’ve put in. I don’t just want to get by. I don’t want to soft pedal for 112 miles and walk a marathon. I put in the blood, sweat and tears to be the best I can be, whatever that might look like.

On the other hand I also realize that this is just a hobby and I need to find  better balance with other aspects of my life. I'm doing better and yet I still struggle balancing certain areas, primarily family, friends and self. So what has a little more balance looked like? It’s looked like me going downtown for girls “happy hour” with friends and then going home to do strength training right before bed. It means I’ve even switched from only drinking water to ONE WHOLE DRINK! The one glass of wine isn’t going to kill me even if it’s the night before I spend 6 hours on my bike. It looks like me eating the massive piece of cake with my friend or husband. I’m not going to gain 10 lbs from eating the cake or ice cream…. although I might at the rate of desserts I’m back to eating.

My “long” runs are actually long enough to make it worth it to drive downtown and run on the Swamp Rabbit Trail. I might not actually run with any of them, but I meet up with the girls so I can enjoy the post-run-farmers-market-eat-whole-banana-bread-loaf routine with them. It’s a routine I miss from last year. These might seem like small changes but to me they make a big difference. 

I don't talk about work here but months ago I was at a point where something had to change. After months of debating with my husband, we agreed I could switch to working part time. I am incredibly grateful to him for allowing me to make this change as it has made both our lives better (or at least I think so). Everyone assumed it was because of training. I’ll admit that was one factor but not the only factor. However, going part time has made balancing everything so much easier. I like my alone time but this has led to a lot of alone time, specifically while training. My longest training day was moved to Friday so that I wouldn’t be gone all day on the weekends. This means my chances of finding someone to ride way too many hours with me while everyone is at work is very slim. It also means my weekend training schedule is shifted from most other triathletes training schedule. I also shifted other weekday training to normal business hours. But this is the schedule that fits my life schedule the best and gives me the most hours with my husband. And let’s be honest, I’m much happier sitting on my bike seat than sitting in my office chair.

So alone I go. In the end this gives me better balance with family and friends. The people in my life, they matter. They are worth training by myself hours on top of hours every week. Even my dog takes a priority in my life. If it means I spend extra time riding on the trainer than outside so she can roam the house, so be it. Trainer it is. If it means I do more runs from my house so I can take Nikita with me for a loop, neighborhood run it is.

My life is still a work in progress. I certainly don't have the "correct" balance all figured out and I never will. That would be boring. Making changes along the way and learning from your past is what keeps life interesting. How do you balance your life?

Grief through motion

This past Saturday marked one year since my mom passed away. With that came extra grief. Everyone handles grief differently. Some stay in bed all day. Some emotionally eat. Some drink. Some cry all day. Some are too emotionally numb to do anything. Some ignore it. There is no right or wrong was to deal with grief. I handle it a few of those ways. Friday night I cried remembering our last night with her. Saturday afternoon and evening I tried to block the images of that day from my head but plastering myself on the couch binge watching a mindless TV show while eating Chinese food and The Great Wall of Chocolate. But Saturday morning was where I truly handled my grief the way I wanted to and how I knew best.

After not being able to do Katie’s famous birthday swim on my actual birthday, I asked if I could do it after my race. I also told her I wanted work to do on Saturday to help distract me. So she gave me the birthday swim on Saturday and it was exactly what I needed. To be in my happy place. To challenge myself. To go further than I’ve gone before. The swim was 6000m with the main set including 28x25, 28x50 and 28x100. I turned 28 in case you couldn’t figure that out. The longest swim I’d done before that was 5400m.  The swim was challenging but not overly difficult. I got to use all the swim toys! I even same 7 of my 100s with band only. Early in the 28x100 I found that everyone had finished their swim and I was alone. It was then that I found a calmness inside of me. A sense of peace. Part way through the set I knew I wouldn’t be ready to stop at 6K so after finished 28, I kept swimming and swimming. Unfortunately, my peacefulness was ended as the aqua fit class was going to start and I got kicked out of my lane. Listening to Owner of a Lonely Heart with old women bobbing around in their aqua shoes burst my happy bubble and just like that I was done. Finished my 35^th 100 and did a quick cool down for a total of 7000m.

I wasn’t happy with this swim because it was by for my furthest or the fact that I did 35x100 at the end of my swim without dropping in pace or the fact that I truly could have kept going. I was happy with my state of mind. The fact that I could let my emotions all out in a healthy way. Through motion. To me there is no better way to grieve than through moving the body. Training is truly what kept me sane during those months last year. Partially because I love training but also there is plenty of science behind why exercise makes you happier. Does that mean it has replaced my unhealthy habit of emotional eating? Not even a little. There will always be plenty of that going on and I own up to that.  But I am ok with that. I’m far from perfect and there is no perfect way to handle situations such as these. That swim was the best I felt during the whole day and afterwards that feeling went away. I somewhat got it back during my run but nothing beats the feeling of moving through water lap after lap, flip turn after flip turn, hour after hour. I miss you mom, so much.

Lake Logan Olympic Race

Lake Logan Olympic was another race that I ended up skipping last year due to my mom's situation. It happened to fall the weekend between my birthday and when she passed away. I hadn't paid to defer this race, but thanks to my husband who gave the race director photos from White Lake Half, he gave me a free entry to this race. This was my last race before my Ironman so I was excited to see what I could do especially with a tiny bit of run fitness coming back. I was actually allowed and able to race this start to finish. It was also the first time my husband's family had seen me race which was nice to see them and hear their cheering voices during the race. My dog Nikita was also there whose cute face made me very happy to see on the course! 

Swim - 1500m, 27:43

Normal goal of swim hard! Still struggling during races with finding the right effort to swim at and holding that effort. I went out hard like I was supposed to but about halfway through I could feel myself slowing down. Whether that was from going out too hard or not trying hard enough to hold on, I'm not sure. Still work to do there. It took almost the first full leg of the swim for it to break apart and then I was swimming almost alone. Normally that would make me think I was off course but for once that was not the case. This was an easy course to navigate. Go straight for a while, make two right turns and head back under a bridge to a different dock. The long stretch back I was able to sight off the bridge the whole time instead of buoys which made it easier to see. Best job I've done sighting while OWS. Maybe the week at the beach paid off. 

 

They warned us the water would drop once we went under bridge and whoa they weren’t kidding! Earlier I felt like I was over heating a bit but at that point I was really happy I had the wet suit.The bridge was a great spot for spectators to set up and actually see the swimmer. Also a great place to capture pretty swimming faces and over rotation while breathing.

Towards the end I got closer to a few men and made it my goal to catch up to them which I managed to do. People started standing up early once we were under the bridge and in the river as it was very shallow and a few times my fingers scrapped bottom. I was determined to power it all the way to the dock though. Two men helping lift people onto the dock but I had no interest in waiting my turn so I hoisted myself up onto the dock instead. Jogged it into transition, did the usual and then jogged my bike out which I hate doing because it feels awkward.

Bike - 23.5ish miles, 1:11:46

My race plan had a 15W range I wanted to stay in. Then Katie said I could go up to 15W above that range. That turned in a much larger range than I would prefer for a race as it gives me too much wiggle room to slack off or hammer too hard. That said, I really had no idea what kind of power number I wanted to stay around so I did it partially based on feel while keeping an eye on my numbers to make sure I didn't do anything crazy. 

The bike portion was by far the best part of the race. It started with a short climb, nice descent and then lots of rolling hills before heading back. It was a gorgeous view of the mountains and I made sure to take it all in. After having raced both 70.3s on very flat courses, this race reminded me where I really belong... in the mountains. I've come a long way in my cycling abilities this year and climbing is one of my strengths. I didn't let it get to me that people were hammering uphill and passing me. In fact it made me laugh because I knew what was to come. On the downhill they would coast trying to recover and I'd go flying past them holding a steady effort the whole time. I knew I was racing smart.

I held a strong effort the whole time. My random checking of my numbers told me I was mostly riding steady and I felt good about my effort. I was passing several people and only got passed a few times, mostly by men. The one female I actually remember passing me in the very beginning I caught up to on the last big climb. That climb was a good way to finish off the bike leg before doing a quick descent into the crowds and transition. 

Just like the sprint, it felt hard and it felt like it was over very fast. I made sure to suck down as much liquid as possible, ate a bar and a few chomps for an extra sugar kick before the run. I came off the bike feeling tired, but good. Most importantly, happy. And yes that is sweat dripping off my face, not lake water.

Run - Long 10K, 59:03

The run was a short flat section then uphill until the turn around. I run in hilly areas often so I’m used to hills but not 3 straight miles uphill. It made my pacing vs effort a little bit difficult to nail down. I would feel good and start to pick it up only to slow back down and this happened several times. Definitely not a very steady run. There were several times where I wanted to walk. I would nicely tell myself that it’s supposed to feel hard and to keep going with promises that I could walk the aid stations so I could actually get the fluid into my mouth and not all over me. 

On the way up I kept telling myself I just needed to get to the top and then it was all downhill from there, literally. The downhill didn’t feel that much easier though. That’s when I really started noticing the back pain although I have no idea when it officially started. The pounding from going downhill was wearing on my body that was not accustom to running for an hour and certainly not running that long hard. Several times I had thoughts of holy shit I have to run 20 more miles on top of this in 9 weeks. Obviously at a much slower pace but also after having swam and biked all day. Slightly scary thought.

I could tell my lack of run fitness was catching up to me but I didn't back down. I kept my head in the game, ran my best and only walked at aid stations. I had somehow convinced myself that it might be short of 10K since I was passing the mile marker signs before my watch would hit that distance. When I thought I had just a few short minutes left, I started to pick up the pace to run to the finish line hard but the finish line wasn’t coming fast enough. Turns out I picked it up WAY too soon as my watch said I ran an extra quarter mile. So while I was still running a lot faster at the end, my pace did drop off a bit because I couldn’t sustain that effort the whole way into the finish chute. While it's never fun to pick it up too soon, the fact that my pace dropped off a bit tells me that I was really putting it all out there.

Overall: 2:44:15, 2nd AG

I didn't know how I placed until they were calling names at the award ceremony. Obviously a happy surprise to hear my name called for 2nd AG. Another good race in the piggy bank I'd say! I came into this with no expectations. I've learned to stop guessing what my swim times will be because it varies so much. I had no idea what kind of speed those power numbers would be on a hilly course. I had no idea what kind of pace my legs would let me run. Not exactly thrilled about my swim time but certainly not disappointed. Very happy with the bike though! And of course, I'm thankful my body let me run the longest I've done since NOLA 70.3 in April and at a hard effort.  My run fitness is nowhere near where it was earlier in the year but at least I'm running again! Although I was in a bunch of pain in various places rest of the day and my back is still bothering me. Oh well, something always has to be bothering me it seems. Nikita seemed to be about in the same shape as me after th race. It was a tiring day for her spectating! Less than 2 months until Ironman!

A year older

Happy (few day late) 28^th birthday to me! I would have loved to have spent the day doing Katie’s famous happy fucking birthday swim, climbing mountains and/or doing some hard running. But I have a race this weekend so instead all I got was a short swim because I’m tapering. I still want the birthday swim though so I asked for it next week. Since all I had was a swim first thing in the morning, I decided to make a few food stops on the way to work to get a vanilla iced coffee and bagel with cream cheese, both which I haven’t had in a very long time. Then I finished my breakfast off with my favorite doughnut brought in for a staff meeting because, well I’m going through doughnut withdrawals after last week. Ok I might have had two…

I got a call the morning of my birthday from family and they asked if I was doing anything that night to celebrate…ummm I don’t think so? I’m not one to have big birthday celebrations. Last year I barely acknowledged it with everything going on with my mom. A particular memory came to mind during my swim from a year ago about her and it made me start to cry, while swimming. Holidays over the past year have been difficult without her and apparently my birthday gets included in that category. She was the heart of all our celebrations. My husband had come up with the idea to surprise celebrate my birthday at the beach with my family by putting some candles in a cake and asked my sister to help coordinate it. My sister decided to take it a step further and bought a bunch of decorations. The last night of the trip my husband forced me to go on a walk on the beach. Normally I love walks on the beach (sounds so cheesy I know) but I was very tired and zero desire. After making the whole walk very difficult for him, I know understand why he insisted we kept walking. They set up everything while we were gone and surprised me when I got back. It truly was a surprise and I'm very thankful to my sister for putting together and my husband for coming up with the idea.

So one year older, a little wiser and stronger, in many ways. My 27th year on the planet was the most difficult year ever. I've learned a lot from it and I think I've grown. While growing in age it's important to continue to grow in other ways. We should always be learning, pushing ourselves to new limits, trying to figure out life. It's an on going process, you should never be done. Hopefully this next year I will continue to grow in every way possible, just not sideways.

Cake (doughnuts) by the ocean

This past week I was at the beach with my family. We’ve done trips to the Outer Banks a few times. It seems weird for me to drive north to go to the beach but it’s closer for everyone else. Once again we stayed in Pine Island which is this nice narrow strip where it’s the sound, the road, one row of houses and the ocean. That means the beach is pretty empty which is awesome. It’s also closer to the north end so past the busy roads.

The trip started after 8 hours of driving when we finally reached the northern bridge and came to complete stop. At that point I decided it made more sense for me to get my ride in instead of sitting in horrible traffic for an hour plus and then riding. So I rode north towards the house. This included several dicey miles of passing the stopped/slow moving cars, several of which were over the white line. In one case this caused me to swerve off the road straight into a patch of sand at which point my bike came to complete and sudden stop and I almost fell into the car. Once I got past Duck, things cleared up and then it was just some good old fast, hot riding.

All my riding that week was fast. It was very few stop lights and FLAT. It reminded me of racing in New Orleans with zero elevation gain and wind. Not nearly as windy though. I love climbing but there’s something to be said about switching it up and being able to go faster for once and not because I’m going downhill. My other rides were in the mornings and there were plenty of cyclists and triathletes out. I do pretty much all of my riding by myself and a lot of times in places where I don’t see many, if any, cyclists. This was a great change of pace and certainly helps with motivation during max efforts.

Along with flat riding, I got in flat running. More running than I’ve done in months! I’ve still got a long ways to go but I’m happy to finally be building mileage. I really wish I could have run on the beach but my body wasn’t ready for that yet other than messing around.

The awesome thing about being at the beach is I finally got the chance to do some open water swimming! I’ve said it’s something I clearly need to work on so it was one week of only OWS. The water was cold so it also gave me an opportunity to swim in my wetsuit. The only time I do OWS is on race day so to have a week of practice was great. It allowed me to focus on things that normally don’t cross my mind because the adrenaline of race day takes over. I’m very comfortable in the water. Pools, lakes, oceans, whatever. I don’t get nervous or panicky. But it did help build some extra confidence in the open water which is something I’ve needed recently.

Besides OWS, we got in plenty of other swimming and boggy boarding. We also had “the seven plagues” which started as cold water with thousands of tiny gross clear/orange slimy things, followed by biting flies, followed by dead jellyfish… ok so maybe only three things. In the end the water finally got warmer, very clear, free of weird creatures and one the very last day (naturally) some better waves for boggy boarding. On my last OWS I got the shit scared out of me by suddenly being surrounded by hundreds of fish a few times and even swam over two stingrays.

 

So while this might not have seemed like a true vacation to everyone given lots of training, it was perfect for me. It was training completely on my terms. I mean, Katie still wrote my schedule and I executed it according to that schedule but I wasn’t trying to cram it in. I didn’t have to wake up at 4:15 to get straight to the pool. I didn’t have to rush a shower to make it to work and then eat breakfast at my desk. It was waking up to the sun rising, putting in some solid training, eating whatever the hell I wanted, maybe training some more and then certainly eating more. I didn’t give two shits about what I was eating. I knew I’d gain weight but it didn’t stop me. My Dads one request on this trip was that everyday someone picked up Duck Doughnuts which are amazing cake doughnuts made fresh to order ie pick your icing and toppings. I ate 2-3 doughnuts. Every. Day. And dessert. Every. Day. Sometimes twice a day. I ate a bunch of grains and a bunch of dairy. I didn’t care, not even when I felt sluggish from the food, my stomach hurt or I felt like I might throw up in the ocean.

That week I found a certain calmness that’s hard to describe. I love the water. It’s just so soothing. Certainly it’s easy to find calmness when you fall asleep under a tent on the beach listening to nothing but the ocean. But I felt it all week. There was zero stress. There were no thoughts about work or things I needed to do at the house or errands I needed to run. My biggest concern was which flavor doughnut I’d eat next and should I wake up early enough to watch the sun rise. I slept better than I had in a long time. As soon as I got home I went back to the restless nights and getting up to pee two times before I fall asleep because that’s what my brain thinks it needs to sleep.  I was sad to leave the beach but I was happy for the week I had there. It was good for my body, brain and soul.