Grief through motion

This past Saturday marked one year since my mom passed away. With that came extra grief. Everyone handles grief differently. Some stay in bed all day. Some emotionally eat. Some drink. Some cry all day. Some are too emotionally numb to do anything. Some ignore it. There is no right or wrong was to deal with grief. I handle it a few of those ways. Friday night I cried remembering our last night with her. Saturday afternoon and evening I tried to block the images of that day from my head but plastering myself on the couch binge watching a mindless TV show while eating Chinese food and The Great Wall of Chocolate. But Saturday morning was where I truly handled my grief the way I wanted to and how I knew best.

After not being able to do Katie’s famous birthday swim on my actual birthday, I asked if I could do it after my race. I also told her I wanted work to do on Saturday to help distract me. So she gave me the birthday swim on Saturday and it was exactly what I needed. To be in my happy place. To challenge myself. To go further than I’ve gone before. The swim was 6000m with the main set including 28x25, 28x50 and 28x100. I turned 28 in case you couldn’t figure that out. The longest swim I’d done before that was 5400m.  The swim was challenging but not overly difficult. I got to use all the swim toys! I even same 7 of my 100s with band only. Early in the 28x100 I found that everyone had finished their swim and I was alone. It was then that I found a calmness inside of me. A sense of peace. Part way through the set I knew I wouldn’t be ready to stop at 6K so after finished 28, I kept swimming and swimming. Unfortunately, my peacefulness was ended as the aqua fit class was going to start and I got kicked out of my lane. Listening to Owner of a Lonely Heart with old women bobbing around in their aqua shoes burst my happy bubble and just like that I was done. Finished my 35^th 100 and did a quick cool down for a total of 7000m.

I wasn’t happy with this swim because it was by for my furthest or the fact that I did 35x100 at the end of my swim without dropping in pace or the fact that I truly could have kept going. I was happy with my state of mind. The fact that I could let my emotions all out in a healthy way. Through motion. To me there is no better way to grieve than through moving the body. Training is truly what kept me sane during those months last year. Partially because I love training but also there is plenty of science behind why exercise makes you happier. Does that mean it has replaced my unhealthy habit of emotional eating? Not even a little. There will always be plenty of that going on and I own up to that.  But I am ok with that. I’m far from perfect and there is no perfect way to handle situations such as these. That swim was the best I felt during the whole day and afterwards that feeling went away. I somewhat got it back during my run but nothing beats the feeling of moving through water lap after lap, flip turn after flip turn, hour after hour. I miss you mom, so much.