I'm off...

Today has not been a good day for me and I can't even pinpoint exactly why.  I had a tough swim this morning. Longer than I've ever gone before and tough sets. It made me realize I haven't pushing myself enough in my swim training. I normally have hard sets toward the first 1/2 or 1/3 of the workout and then the rest pretty "easy". Today it was a mix of hard to the very end and it wore me out. I can't remember the last time I felt sore from swimming but today I feel it. And that my friends, feels good.

What does not feel good is how I felt once I got to work. I've felt light headed and sort of dizzy and my head feels warm the way it feels running outside in the heat. I thought maybe it was dehydration and after drinking a lot it helped a little but as I physically started feeling better, mentally I felt worse. I know what it's like to feel plain exhausted from training but that not what this is.

I've been going through a very tough life event for the last few months. I've held it together for the most part but I think it's been slowly wearing on me and today I broke. Broke in a way that left me fighting tears at my desk suddenly for no apparent reason. I'm feeling stressed and emotionally drained and tired. So very tired.

I can't fall asleep at night no matter how exhausted I feel. You would think waking up at 4:30 to swim and then bike in the evening would make it so I could fall asleep and sleep well but it just doesn't. My mind is always going a mile a minute and I can't calm it. I even tried a sleeping pill to help get me back on local time but I still couldn't fall asleep. The more I think about it the more I can't fall asleep. I think "even if I fall asleep right now it will be less than 6 hours" which further stresses me out. It's an awesome cycle. It's so frustrating and I know it affects me in my work, my training and my overall health and I don't know what to do to fix it. How has the magic solution? Is it meditation? Hot shower? Shot of tequila?

So I took the afternoon off from work. Although I could have worked through the physical aspects, mentally I'm struggling and sometimes "illness" is a mental thing. I'm of no use when I can't focus on anything for more than a minute. Hopefully these few extra stolen hours will help me get my shit together and she certainly helps...